Safe Haven

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Gaby Eirew (right) with her mother, Denise

Gaby Eirew suffered two major bereavements in the space of a month. The Experience caused to find you a way, the parental request, to record video messages for their children.

When Gaby Eirew father was dying of pancreatic cancer, one of his last pieces of advice was: "it is Sad for me, for two years, then you are grieving for yourself. "

she thought she would be good, to mourn. After All , she worked as a consultant in dealing with cases of trauma.

But she found herself struggling More Than she had expected. To make

even worse, she and her husband had means recently from London to Vancouver with three small children, she had no support network.

feeling fragile, she tried to ring the bell, a close friend from childhood, Emma, a doctor in London. But then you got some more unexpected news: Emma had died suddenly and unexpectedly.

"she was smart, beautiful, hardworking, and warm," recalls Gaby. "I was young and crazy, and it was this graceful, intelligent person. Somehow we liked each other. "

your friend is rushed to the death of Gaby's more in mourning. "I had no idea what to do with myself," she says.

Both Gaby and Emma were 39 at the time. Emma's three children, all 10 or Younger - were similar to their own. Not only That Gaby is now experiencing their own grief, as a friend and daughter, could not stop, on the impact of a parent's death on young children. To is to explain how you begin it you?

"I have to stop my kids Like her, Growing Up with everything That she knew directly from her mother, And Then . I wanted to write to you all calm down and you and tell you The Most useful things, but I couldn't to sum you. Some of the things I realized, would hear The Children from their father and grandparents, but some things would certainly come straight from her?"

for weeks she felt "crazy", obsessed with death. She asked friends and strangers That she met: "What have you prepared for death?" Her favorite was a topic of conversation.

Looking Back , she sees him as part of the recovery to channel the process and the need for their pain Into Something practical. The end result would be a tool to The Children mourn their Parents is a free app That has been used by thousands of people in More Than 30 countries, a legacy to leave video messages for their families.

In the summer of 2008, a few months after their double-strike, Gaby, she began a study of grief.

Over the next five years, they interviewed More Than 100 people in Canada and the United Kingdom, who had lost one or both Parents as The Children . (In the UK, some 20 children from one of the Parents lose a part before the age of 16 years - approximately 24,000 per year. )

you found them through the publication of notices on online forums, and leave the physical notes in swimming pools and libraries.

"I spoke with people who were born after their fathers died, or Came Home to a Crime Scene , or were killed in car accidents, their Parents ," says Gaby.

she found That breastfeeding her son at the bus stop, was a good way to start a conversation with strangers about the parenting and mortality.

you asked these people what they wanted, they would have asked their Parents .

"The Most important thing is That people said they wanted to hear was That their parent was proud of you, she loved you and hear to tell you That with your name on it," says Gaby.

"told you So often the people That your mom or dad you loved so much, but she had to and wanted to hear it. "

Sometimes you have a certain group of words wanted to hear.

"you wanted, you could ask your Parents ," I remember you whispering something to me every night, what was it? I would Like to hear it again. '"

It would have been a prayer, or a children's song, or in other words, was a part of a nightly ritual, and helped them know That you were loved before you slept.

So an important objective was, the Parents absorb the simple message in video form for posterity. Gaby's app, called RecordMeNow, is essentially a set of instructions That helps people create a video library for your children, divided into thematic areas, based on Gaby's results.

Another discovery was That grieving children often carry a large debt. To say, "for Parents , the message 'I'm sick, I'm not going to die, it is your fault, and I don't want to die, I'm glad to life you get and you get To Live a full life," this is really important. "

But Gaby was also surprised to hear many of the more mundane - and very specific - the questions The Children had for their Parents .

What floor cleaner did you use? This smell reminds me of My Childhood . What perfume did you wear? I want to wear it, too. What is your middle name? What is The Recipe for the soup, to make you used is? What we did? I want to go, and now with my child, and think of you. You Show Me How To shave yourself.

Satisfying the curiosity of children about these types of details can really help with grief, she says.

But they also wanted to hear about other parts of the lives of their Parents . Things Like a beautiful story from your childhood, a story about romance, or what it's Like to go through puberty. How they chose their work and how you stress and anger? Do you have any suggestions for the naming of their children?

you can Find out more essentially, they were looking for advice and principles That would help them to make important decisions as your life unfolds, without their Parents .

Gaby also noticed That you want to celebrate, to hear, in the kind of sugar-coated, idealized accounts of her Parents , she had heard, at funerals, and family - you wanted to raw-stories, warts and all, That they could relate to.

This is the reason why the app encourages you to talk about the difficult times, says Gaby. "You need To Live a three-dimensional person, not a large walking success story, this is too much for someone up to. You can be worried, That 's OK, That is a part of life, and That will help your children, if you have a difficult day. "

There were also queries That a child's lack of understanding about death, says Gaby.

Some people looked back on their childhood and said she "did not want to understand why Papa was buried, but we still have his wheelchair as he is, to come without it in the sky?"

So a question of the prompt in the app to the dying person: "How do you see death and dying? What do you think happens after death?"

The app is designed to be simple, with "no frills," says Gaby, because if you are diagnosed with an incurable disease, you suddenly have to think of millions of things, including work, wills and other financial matters, and a short time-frame, to act according to them.

your mind can be anywhere and the app is designed to help you attention to this important, but difficult task.

Two large communities of people, which has helped the app are those who have been told you have terminal cancer, and those diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease.

people Like Dean Mucklow, who lives in Birmingham.

Dean, first realised something was wrong when he struggled to do up The Poppers on his daughter's Babygro.

He was 42, and the Parents time with the Second Child .

He had to clear it occasionally by objects, which worried him, but he put this on his regular hobby, karate, which, he thought, this can impact on his hands.

Finally, however, he decided to visit his doctor and was diagnosed in 2013 with Motor Neurone Disease (MND) - a disease progress affects The Brain and the Spinal Cord , often rapidly and leaving people Locked In a failing body.

"It's really hard to get your head round. You are not feeling bad. If you try to move it is with a massive lead weights on your arms, your legs, your neck. You get to think a lot," he says.

The worst part is the frustration. He wants to play with his children, but he can't.

These observations were made by Dean in videos, which he made with the RecordMeNow app in 2015.

After his diagnosis, Dean and His Family in contact with Alison Noakes, who works with the Motor Neurone Disease Association. She recommends the app for the people, if you have still a good voice quality because she has seen what benefits it can Bring .

Alison Noakes, Dean's family has supported since his diagnosis, people feel very scared, if you get first, your diagnosis, and the app returns to focus on something positive, says Alison .

Dean used RecordMeNow create an archive of More Than 80 video messages for His Family , including his son and daughter, although he could still speak.

In some he told the story of his life, including the lessons he has learned. These make it clear That The Diagnosis was cruel timing. Dean was just beginning to reap the fruits of his life, is hard work: a successful career, wife, house and children.

In another, he says:

bereavement, family, relationships, long reads, vancouver, children, inspiring stories, apps, young people

Source of news: bbc.com